The more and more we get deeper into summer, the more anxious I feel.
My lease is ending soon. Apartment hunting gives me stress. And on top of it all, I'm trying to figure out what my next step is... career-wise.
A lot of you probably don't know this about me but... I'm the kind of person who keeps everything in. I tend to bottle up my problems or struggles because I don't like the idea of being a 'burden' to anyone else.
I've actually gotten a lot better at that. In fact, I've been opening up more and accepting that it's okay to not be okay and to talk about it... aloud. Someone close to me taught me the importance of that.
Truth is, there are times when my mind works like a clock. Every second or minute that goes by makes me feel like I'm under pressure. I'm inching forward, whether I like it or not. My heart starts pounding. Beating even louder because in those moments I feel stuck.
It's almost as if my body is punishing me because I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to do next.
Frankly... I don't know what I'm doing.
Is it scary? 100% yes.
Do I ever feel stressed about it? Alllll the time.
Does it make me feel weak? Oh yeah.
Does it make me want to quit every time something goes wrong? Um yes.
The pressure of me keeping it all together and making it seem like I have it all together is just the misconstrued reality of social media. I used to tell myself that what I projected on Instagram was also what I was supposed to project in real life. But frankly... that's impossible.
Since moving to New York City, I feel like I've grown and learned a lot about myself. Living by yourself really does that to you. And especially here, of all places.
No one is happy 24/7.
In reality... no one has it all together.
At least, not completely. We tend to put ourselves in these 'situations' where things may seem okay and manageable, but what happens when we hit another roadblock and things take a turn? It feels like our world is crashing down around us, and then we question everything. But hey... isn't that a part of life? We have ups, we have downs. Sometimes the downs seem to never end, but everything happens for a reason, which means something will come out of it. Whether it's a lesson to be learned, or an experience we have to go through... we do get through it.
But somehow, I'm not there yet.
This feeling is somewhat hard to pinpoint and I've been feeling it for so long.
And suddenly, the clock is ticking again.
Tick-tock.
Another minute goes by.
Will this feeling ever end?
Will it ever go away?
Tick-tock.
As time continues to press on, as your mind slowly starts to shift perspective in the fact that whatever happens, happens, you suddenly realize this is no longer something you can control.
Letting go of these feelings, these thoughts that consume you, is the best way.
The only way for you to keep moving forward.
Tick-tock.
But this time. This time it's different.
You no longer feel that heavy weight pulling you down.
You've reached some sort of peace from within. With yourself, with the world, with the people pulling you down or away from the path that you've dreamt of all your life.
This time it's different. The ticking is so faint now. You barely hear it.
The voice in your head telling you how strong you are and that you're not a quitter gets louder and louder.
You're anxious... but in a good way. You feel wide awake.
There's no going back.
You don't plan on heading that way.
You now know that this feeling isn't just a feeling. You're going to do something about it because that's who you are.
If you want something badly enough, you won't stop for anything until you get it.
And that's just it. You keep going. Not because it's worth it... but because you are.
If any of you can relate to this or feel like you're going through something similar... please don't hesitate to reach out to me. I always respond back to emails or comments because I love communicating with any one of you. I'd love to hear what you're going through or what you're feeling.
I say all this because a part of is struggling with this right now. And I've always found this blog to be an outlet of mine that I like to express not only with my outfits, but also through words.
