6 Ways To Check In On + Support Your Asian American Friends
In light of what just happened recently, in addition to all the Asian hate crimes happening on a daily basis, my heart has started feeling a little heavier these past few days.
I find myself often drifting away from my work every morning to think about what new hate crimes will surface again in the news. Or the ones that go unreported. As I continue seeing the violence and brutality happening everywhere, I start to wonder if the line ‘another day, another hate crime,’ in fact, hold true to its meaning.
Every day I’m walking around the streets of New York City, commuting on subways, and by habit, I’ve found myself lowering the volume of my AirPod Pros, turning on the Transparency option, and excessively looking around me at all times. In the back of my mind, I’m thinking: ‘What if I’m next?’ Or I look at the Asian grandmother sitting on the subway across from me: ‘What if she’s next?’
We shouldn’t have to think like this. It’s downright devastating that we’re having to mourn our fellow Black and Asian Americans over these hate crimes and at the same time, wonder if we’re possibly the next victim of another unimaginable hate crime.
The reason for this blog post today was to help anyone who is unsure of what to say or how to check in on their Asian American friends. There’s a lot of hesitation with ‘what if I say the wrong thing?’ or ‘what if they’ll get upset at me instead?’ And even though these thoughts are valid, I’d advise thinking past those thoughts and focusing on listening to someone’s story or validating their feelings during these times.
Scroll down for a few ways to reach out to your Asian American friends in a way that acknowledges their pain and lends support.
I wanted to also include this in here — this is the official GoFundMe for Yao Pan Ma, a victim of a horrific act of violence here in New York City.
Yao Pan Ma, 61, was collecting cans alone on April 23, 2021 on the streets of NYC to support his family. An attacker struck him from behind, knocked him to the ground and struck him repeatedly in the head. Mr. Yao Pan Ma was found unconscious on the curb. He currently remains unconscious in a coma. The GoFundMe was created on Mr. Yao Pan Ma's behalf with authority from his family. All funds will go directly to his family.
Let them know you’re here to talk
I’ve had discussions with friends on this and starting a question that is open-ended could actually put an emotional burden on someone. By asking them ‘how are you doing?’ or ‘is there something I can do for you?’ you’re basically asking the person to potentially share any painful feelings and that’s probably the last thing they feel like doing. Remember — everyone deals with situations differently, so just letting someone know that you’re available for them to talk or there for support signals that you’re thinking of them and gives them an option if they want to talk about it or not.
2. What is your true motivation behind reaching out?
Before reaching out, check in with yourself and understand why you’re doing so. Are you reaching out because you want to talk about your own feelings? Are you reaching out because you genuinely care about them and want to let them know you support them? You don’t reach out to someone to get educated on the situation and then have them step away from their own grief or trauma to explain it to you. I read somewhere that we should think of it as ‘reaching out with your ears, not your mouth.’
3. Don’t get defensive
Don’t let “but I’m not racist” be a center of the conversation. This will then take the spotlight off of your friend and onto your own experience. If you’re white, understand that someone who may not be, might have experienced something personally that you haven’t. Be more understanding and accepting that there is a different racial reality than people of color.
4. Avoid making assumptions
To make assumptions on your friend’s feelings could make it worse. Again, everyone deals with grief and trauma differently, and many people in the AAPI community may not be comfortable talking about it or themselves. We as Asian Americans have been used to “not drawing attention,” “putting our heads down,” and “pushing through it.” But again, don’t generalize it either. There are so many Asians with unique cultures and everyone has their own experiences.
5. You can still ask questions, BUT…
ask to make sure it’s okay with your friend. If you’re genuinely curious, come from a place of curiosity and care. Let them know that they can answer on their own time or not at all, and that’s okay.
6. Be willing to do the work
Just telling your friend that you’ll be there for them isn’t enough. If you talk the talk, you need to walk the walk. If you’re genuinely curious or genuinely want to take action, there are so many ways to help. If you see a hate crime, REPORT IT. Don’t just be a bystander and expect others to do it instead — that does more harm than good.
Here are a list of great AAPI mental health resources you can look into or send to your AAPI friends. You can always ask if there’s anything you can do to help them, but don’t rely on Asian Americans to explain why there’s a bias towards the community. Do your own research — google what the ‘model minority myth’ is, what it means to be a monolith, etc. This is also a really great article to read on America’s long history of scapegoating its Asian citizens.
This link literally has it all — updates on Asian American violence in the news, from social media accounts to follow, mental health resources, how to report a hate incident, how to be an ally, ways to donate + support, and more.
I hope this was helpful! Let me know if you have any questions!