I’ve felt like I haven’t had much to say, even though my mind has been overflowing with too much to say. I've felt distant from my blog with the idea that I couldn't possibly explain or bother writing out what's been happening in my life. Too many words, it's too complicated, too many problems, I thought.
However, this time away has simply reminded me of one of the main reasons why I started this blog in the first place. My love for writing. Of all things that's changed in these past few months, that has always been consistent.
It's ironic how on the search of finding my next steps, I've overlooked the one place that started this journey in the first place. So here I am, sitting in front of my computer typing away, and feeling truly grateful to still have this little spot I can call mine on the Internet.
These past few months leading up to where I am now has felt like one big waiting period. Have you ever been through a waiting period? You can approach it with an I got this attitude where you know lessons need to be learned and you're optimistic that your patience will lead you to better things down the road. OR, this waiting period feels like your life has been put on hold and everything and everyone around you keeps moving while you feel "stuck" and lost with your sense of direction.
I can't tell what sounds worse: the process of having to wait, or not knowing when the period ends.
It’s a period where you truly are questioning everything and everyone around you. There isn’t certainty of what’s to come, what happens now, and it’s hard to deal with especially when you feel like communicating it with others will only make it worse. I've been drawn more to the realization that this is something I need to go through... so I can grow through it. It's subtle reminders that I need to assure myself that maybe it isn't only believing God is silent through this, but that I'm just not listening to what He's trying to say.
I've noticed a change in dynamic with how I've been acting, my attitude towards people and situations, who I've spent more time with, and what I've been focusing on and prioritizing more. And these changes have affected me in many ways. For example, as I'm going growing through a rather difficult period in my life, I've resorted to many things to either distract me or things that I thought would further the process. I have to remind myself that direction is more important than speed. What is the rush here? I’ve been working on something for months now that I haven’t launched yet, and I keep pushing and pushing for it. Why? Why am I forcing something that I know will happen naturally?
We underestimate how powerful our mind is until we decide to view our life in a different light. And things feel like they’re looking up. Because even in the darkest hours, the toughest situations, rock bottom, I do believe you can find the light.
And it’s through these waiting periods — these moments where nothing seems to make sense, relationships feel broken and people feel distant, God is silent, and your job doesn’t make you as happy as it once did — where you truly find someone you haven’t lost, but better yet, found:
yourself.
I stumbled across this story last week on a morning subway ride to work. I remember clearly that morning that my head and heart were in two totally different places. This story gave me the strength to keep going and to have faith that even when God is silent, He is much closer than you think.
When is the last time you've gone through a waiting period?
How did you find your way through?
And for anyone else who feels like they're "stuck" in this season, I am always here to listen.
